See My Grief
I have written about how our death adverse society may isolate someone who is grieving. This isolation can be especially acute when our loss is not one that is openly acknowledged or socially supported. In those case, we may experience what is known as “disenfranchised grief,” a term coined by grief expert Kenneth J. Doka to describe grief for a loss that society does not grant the same validity or legitimacy as other, more recognized losses (such as the death of a spouse or parent). Because the bereaved person's grief is deemed insignificant or inappropriate by others, they often lack the crucial social support necessary for healthy mourning. This invalidation forces the person to grieve in isolation or silence, which can significantly complicate the grief journey, leading to feelings of isolation, anger, and confusion.
The lack of recognition can stem from the relationship being unrecognized (e.g., an affair), the loss itself being unrecognized (e.g., miscarriage), the griever being considered incapable of grief (e.g., a young child or a person with a cognitive disability), or the way the person died being stigmatized (e.g., suicide or an overdose). The lack of validation inherent in disenfranchised grief can prevent the individual from engaging in necessary grieving rituals and openly expressing their pain. The expectation to "just get over it" or to hide the true source of their distress makes it difficult to process the emotions associated with the loss. A common example is the grief experienced by a co-worker or an ex-spouse after a person's death; since the relationship is not considered "primary family," their sorrow is often overlooked in favor of the immediate next-of-kin, despite the deep bond and history that may have existed.
We often see disenfranchised grief following a death by suicide. For survivors of suicide loss (often called "suicide bereaved"), their grief is often compounded and complicated by a powerful surrounding stigma that minimizes or invalidates their right to mourn openly. This societal judgment, often rooted in historical or religious beliefs that cast the act of suicide as immoral or sinful, can cause the bereaved to feel intense shame, guilt, and isolation. They may hide the true cause of death to avoid judgment, leading to a profound lack of the necessary social support that typically helps individuals process a major loss.
How do we support someone who may be experiencing disenfranchised grief? The single most important thing you can do is acknowledge that their loss is real and their feelings are legitimate, regardless of how society views the situation. Acknowledge and use specific language: Instead of generic "I'm sorry for your loss," use language that recognizes the specific relationship or circumstance. It is also critical to avoid minimizing statements (often used following a miscarriage or stillborn death). Steer clear of trite phrases or comparisons. Your goal is to meet them where they are. Avoid: "At least you can try again," or "It was just an ex, you'll meet someone new." And, finally, check In consistently: Reach out days, weeks, and months later.
