The "How Are You?" Trap: Navigating the Social Squeeze
As a grief therapist, I’ve learned that one of the most challenging experiences for people experiencing grief is when a well-meaning friend or acquaintance ask, “So, how are you doing?”
I tend to describe such situations as the “How Are You?” Trap.
It’s a trap because it presents an impossible choice. On one hand, the truth is heavy—you might be barely holding it together, or perhaps you haven’t slept in three days. On the other hand, the social contract suggests you should say, "I’m fine," and move on.
Why This Simple Question Feels So Heavy
When you are grieving, your "social battery" is often running on a 5% charge. Providing a real answer requires an emotional vulnerability you may not have the energy for. Conversely, giving the "polite" answer can feel like inauthentic and a denial of your pain. It creates a sense of cognitive dissonance—you are performing "okayness" while your internal world is in ruins.
Strategies for the Social Squeeze
If you find yourself stuck in this loop, remember that you are not obligated to be an open book for everyone you encounter. Here are some ways we can handle the "trap":
The Tiered Response: Categorize people into "Inner Circle" and "Outer Circle." For the Outer Circle (colleagues, casual neighbors), it is perfectly okay to use a polite shield: "I’m taking it one day at a time, thanks for asking."
The Pivot: Acknowledge the question briefly, then reclaim the conversation. "It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster, but I’m hanging in there. How is your family?"
The Radical Truth: With your Inner Circle, give yourself permission to be "not fine." A simple, "Actually, today is a really hard day," can invite the specific support you actually need.
Grief is a marathon, not a sprint. You don’t owe the world a performance of "healing." Protect your energy, choose your confidants wisely, and remember it is perfectly okay to save your true heart for the people who have earned the right to see it.
