Mapping a New Reality: Assimilation, Accommodation, and Sudden Loss
When you lose someone suddenly—to an accident, a suicide, or a medical emergency—it feels like your world has been physically torn apart. In the aftermath, you might feel like your brain is "glitchy" or that you are losing your mind. The reaction is understandably because you are not just carrying sorrow; you are carrying a shattered world.
In psychology, we use two concepts to explain why your mind feels this way: Assimilation and Accommodation. Understanding these can help you be more patient with yourself as you navigate this impossible terrain. In doing so, we are not seeking to “get over” our grief. Rather, we are learning to build a new mental house large enough to hold both the love you have for the person who died and the loss you are enduring.
Understanding the Cognitive Collision
When we experience a loss, our internal "schema"—the mental map of how the world works—is suddenly at odds with a new, brutal reality.
The Old Schema: "I will grow old with my spouse," or "My child is safe when they leave the house."
The New Reality: The person is gone, and the world is no longer predictable.
Assimilation: Trying to Fit the Loss into the Old World
In the early time period of sudden grief, the mind attempts assimilation. This is the process of trying to fit new, terrifying information into existing schemas without changing the internal map.
In the context of sudden loss, assimilation often manifests as:
Disbelief and Denial: "I keep expecting them to walk through the door."
Searching Behaviors: Scanning crowds for their face or smelling their clothes to maintain their presence.
Ruminative Guilt: The "if onlys." By blaming themselves, the client is often trying to preserve the schema that the world is controllable and fair.
Clinical Insight: We shouldn't rush to "correct" these behaviors. Assimilation is a protective buffer. It is the mind’s way of sipping tragedy in small doses because the full reality is too toxic to swallow at once.
Accommodation: Redrawing the Map
Accommodation occurs when the new information is so massive that the old schema must be completely altered to account for it. This is the "heavy lifting" of grief work. For a survivor of a suicide or accident, accommodation means acknowledging: "The world is not always safe, and I cannot control everything—but I must find a way to live in it anyway."
This involves:
Reconstructing Identity: Moving from "we" to "I."
Integrating the Narrative: Accepting the "before" and "after" as part of one continuous, albeit scarred, life story.
How We can Support Ourselves in the Moment
It may be helpful to visualize your mind as a a GPS map (i.e., a mental map). Before the loss, your map was programmed with certain "rules": If I call, they will answer. When I go home, they will be there. The world is generally safe.
A sudden loss is like a massive earthquake that destroys the landscape. Your GPS is still trying to follow the old roads, but the roads are gone. Accommodation is the difficult, slow process of updating your GPS. You aren't erasing the old map; you are drawing a new one that includes the reality of the loss. Here some tips to navigate the new map.
Lower Your Expectations: Your "processing power" is being used up by this massive mental update. It is okay if you are forgetful, tired, or overwhelmed by simple tasks.
Stop Fighting the "Glitches": If you catch yourself expecting a phone call from them, don't judge yourself. Just gently remind your heart, "That’s my old map. I’m still learning the new one."
Find Small Anchors: When the world feels unpredictable, stick to small routines (like a morning cup of tea) to give your brain a sense of stability.
If you are interested in the role our brain plays in grief, I highly recommend Mary-Frances O’Connor’s The Grieving Brain.
